D&M

Saying goodbye…

I’ve become so good at saying goodbye, that it’s actually really bad.

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I remember getting pretty drunk with a few people that I would consider my closest friends here in Canberra, and finding myself thinking ‘I could walk away and never see any of these people again and not be sad about it!’
But that fact alone made me really sad.

There are a few people who I really enjoy being around, and I suppose yeah, I will miss them. There’s one who I feel a bit heavy hearted about leaving, we’re kindred spirits- but I know they’ll visit plenty.

We leave in three days. I’m not feeling sad at all. Even the thought of leaving my husband behind doesn’t make me too sad- I think primarily due to some great news we received last week but I’m not allowed to share just yet!

I hope moving back to Melbourne means I no longer have to think about the end. Being a navy wife has always meant that everything was temporary, and that I was temporary.

In three days I will be home, and I will never have to be temporary again.

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Moving home.

I can’t believe I am finally writing this post, but I am. I  am finally sharing with you all that I am moving home.

It’s terrible timing, James is moving back to Canberra two weeks before we move to Melbourne. But it’s also the best timing, why?

Because the time is now.

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At the start of the year, as many of you know, my white picket Canberra life was shattered when James was posted down to Melbourne for six months. We finally got a land posting after two terrible years in Sydney, and after being here for 12 months that stability was taken from us again. It was then I truly realised something that deep down I always knew, stability and the ADF will never co-exist. Whilst James is in the Navy, we will never have a stable life style. We will never truly have a home.

I found myself living in a constant state of fear. Instead of looking forward to James getting back, I was counting down the days until his posting in Canberra was over and our life could be shaken up again. He was granted a 12 month posting back to Canberra, instead of being relieved I worked out how close Oliver would be to school before this posting was up, and found myself losing sleep over where he would go to school, if I would find work, and if James would even be around.

I was losing my ability to enjoy the little things.

Since James moved to Melbourne I had started applying for ‘dream jobs’. I applied for three jobs in total. About three weeks ago I got a call from one of these jobs. After a trip down to Melbourne, an interview on four hours sleep, and a few reference checks I secured myself a one of these dream jobs in Melbourne.

I start two weeks after James gets back, which downright sucks. But we are trying not to let it get us down. I feel like this could be my forever job, and Melbourne has always been our forever town. James is my forever partner, so even though we may not be able to be together now I know that this is where I am supposed to be. And I know as soon as he can move to Melbourne, he will. And I know that once he does get there, I will never ever let him go again- and neither will Oliver.

Today, I filled out Oliver’s new daycare enrolment form and I was filling out the emergency contacts section. At his current day care, he has me. That’s it. At his new daycare in Melbourne the sheet was full and I could have added more. Filling out that form almost bought a tear to my eye.

And that’s why I am moving home. I have done this Navy wife thing for 5 years. I love my husband more than words can ever explain, but it’s time for me to take control.

I’m jumping into Melbourne, and whilst a huge part of me is terrified and apprehensive, the rest of me is ready to fall into my huge network of support  waiting for me in Melbourne.

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D&M, Parenting

Now and then.

Today is pay day. In 2014 it goes directly into our bank account for instant access. I can access it here in Canberra and James can access it from his Navy base down in Victoria. The same navy base that my Grandfather trained, and trained others at in the 1950’s.

My grandfather and his colleagues in 1956.

My grandfather and his colleagues in 1956.

I remember trying to explain to my Nana how I accessed my ‘allowance’. She was so perplexed. She explained to me how she used to receive her $40 cheque fortnightly in the mail and would take it to the bank, cash it and that would support her and her then 4 children whilst my Grandfather was deployed.

Tonight, I sat in front of my computer and purchased our fortnightly groceries. I paid with my debit card and selected delivery for tomorrow evening. Earlier tonight Oliver and I skyped with James, and Oliver hugged the phone when he saw his Daddy’s face. Even when he is out at sea, I can still email him photo’s and get the occasional phone call. Sure, it’s not ideal but it’s still a damn sight easier than in the 1950’s.

I paid our bills via bPay this morning. My Nana would walk down to the post office to pay her bills.

If James is coming home, I know at least a few days before. My Nana told me once she was heavily pregnant with her first child, my Aunt, and my Grandfather came into port and surprised her. She hadn’t seen him for majority of the pregnancy. She hid behind the door when she saw him because she was worried he would think she looked bad. Of course he didn’t, but he certainly took her by surprise.

James was away for 5 months of my pregnancy. He put in family leave and was flown home three weeks early from his deployment so he could be there with me. I sent him constant updates of my growing belly. He was emailed after every doctors appointment and every kick. Physically, he was not here but I still made sure he knew everything that was going on. It was so important to us.

Talking to my Nana really shows me what my life would be like if it was the 1950’s. It really makes me appreciate the steps the Australian Defence Force has taken to improve the life of Defence Families. Sure, the Navy still has a long way to go to live up to its family first tag line, but it really is heading in the right direction.

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D&M

Lasts

It’s funny how a simple thought like ‘next time I’m at work, James will be gone’ can be that true moment of realisation.

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Tomorrow, James moves to Melbourne for six months.

Today was the first day I really let myself acknowledge it, and it sucked.

So here’s a little lists of positives to get my through:

James is not at sea. He is not in an unknown location. He is not simply 5km away but not allowed to come home. He has a phone, and internet.

I no longer live in an apartment. I have a good, reliable car. I have a great support network in here and in Melbourne. I get to visit my family frequently. I have a nanny.

I have Oliver.

That last point is both the best, and the hardest; hardest because I know how much they are going to miss each other; hardest because I am going to miss seeing them together and hardest because I will us being together.

I know we’ll be fine. I know it will fly by. I know before we know it we’ll be together again. But right now I am sad.

A big part of me is happy it still hurts so much. It’s a testament to the love I have for James and for my family.

But most of me is just a bit sad.

As does everything, this too shall pass.

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D&M, Parenting

Saying goodbye

James leaves in three days. I’ve been too busy moping around the house to keep up with my blog plus I lost my password in a resetting password incident.

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This is the hardest part. My heart beats a thousand miles per hour every time I think about the next six months without him. I watch Oliver with him and I just want to cry. The love my boys have for each other, the love I have for them…

Sure, we’ll survive. Sure, We can do it. But the thing is I don’t want to. He is my best friend, my soul mate. That’s why I’m here, so far from home. That’s why I’ve made a life here, a good life. Because I love him and I want happiness for us.

Meanwhile, he gets to go home. So fucking bitter sweet.

So why am I staying? Well, I absolutely love my job. I wake up every day happy. I like the work I do. I like the location. I like the stakeholders. I love my colleagues.

Oliver’s daycare is perfect. He has built a close bond with his teachers, and he is finally starting to make friends.

And, we live here. We have a life here. A good life here.

I started this post to promise you all that I would catch up on the 52 project soon. And to let you know I’ll be restarting the Dear Daddy J project– using photos taken by the little Mr and interpretations of his days by me.

Obviously this post took a bit of a tangent. I’m having a lot if feelings that I’m finding hard to process, but we will survive. We will flourish. And we will come out the other end all the better for it- hopefully whilst creating some interesting if not quirky blog content in the mean time.

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D&M, Parenting, Uncategorized

Keep calm and navy wife on

You know what I hate, what I really fucking hate?

When my husband gets posted away and people tell me well you chose this lifestyle.

No, actually, I fell in love with a man who has a job, and believes in his job, and loves his job.

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Today, James found out he will be spending half of next year down in Melbourne on a training course. Sure, it could be worse, it could be The Gulf- or Sydney. But see, Oliver and I won’t be joining him. It’s part choice, part obligation. They won’t move us, he is moving back here at the end of it, I love my job.

Queue panic attack, it really sucks!

A lot of people seem to think that because my husband is in the navy, I should be okay with this, it’s to be expected after all. No, I’m not. I’m sad, I’m stressed. I have to go it alone for six-whole-months! I didn’t choose this. I didn’t want this. I just love him.

I’m not okay with it. I’m not a super hero. I’m not stronger than any other wife head over heals in love with her husband. I just don’t have a goddamn choice.

My heart breaks for Oliver, his father is his best mate. He will miss him so much. They will miss each other so fiercely.

We’ll be okay. This time I am going to ask for help, I’m not going through what I went through in Sydney again. We’ll try and see him every weekend. We’ll get through, and I know we’ll be all the stronger for it, we always are.

But it still sucks!

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