D&M

Following my dreams.

I can’t explain how happy I am, I really don’t know how to put it into to words.

That’s pretty unusual for me.

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The last five years feel almost surreal. The cities, lifestyle, the people, the loneliness.

I don’t think my issue was ever the life we lived, because I think we always had a great lifestyle. I think it was because I longed so hard to come home that I felt suspended.

Everything was temporary, and that’s no way to live. I felt like I had to suck the most out of everyday- which I know sounds wonderful- but it was actually really exhausting.

I never knew what tomorrow would bring. I had completely lost my inner sense of stability. Nothing was long term, so what did it really matter.

I tried, but that was how I felt and boy was it draining.

But now, I feel like I can relax. This is it, this is my endgame- Melbourne. Sure I have more goals I’d like to achieve in my future but my future is here.

You have no idea how great that feels.

Last week, we settled on a suburb. Oliver starts school on two years- so unless we completely hate it there it’s more than likely the suburb we’re going to, you know, live out our lives in.

For a navy wife, that’s a huge thing to say.

From all of this, my main lesson has been to follow your dreams. Just jump, it may not be what you expected- but it’s bound to be great!

Have you taken a big jump lately?

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Parenting

It’s all a bit bittersweet.

We did it, we survived James’s 6 month deployment. He’ll be home on Friday.

Two weeks later, Oliver and I move to melbourne.

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Right now I’m feeling really powerful. I know that moving to melbourne is the best thing for us, and I am really looking forward to the next two weeks with my family.

But see, my husband is like a drug to me. The good kind, he’s a very positive influence. But boy oh boy, is he addictive. When I am away from him, well the first few weeks suck! But then I am okay.

When we are together, however, I live in constant fear of him leaving again. Every time he calls me from work I’m convinced he’s calling to tell me his been crash posted and he’s leaving for three months in two weeks (it’s happened before). Or worse, that he’s been posted back to Sydney.

I almost forget to enjoy the beautiful person that he is, and the wonderful relationship we share.

But this time is different, this time I’m in control. I’m calling the shots, I’m the one leaving.

It’s all very empowering and absolutely terrifying!

We also go through a big adjustment period when he gets back, we get a few weeks of joy and then we have to get used to living together again. That sounds really sterile but you’d be surprised how much people change over a few months- particularly when one lives in a large house alone and the other lives in small quarters with tens of other men.

This time, we just get the fun bit. The two weeks of hand holding, smooching, loving and enjoying.

I am really looking forward to it.

Of course I dread saying goodbye to my husband. I dread seeing him say goodbye to Oliver. But I know what I’m doing is for forever, not just until the navy posts us again.

I will control my own life, and I’ll no longer be controlled by a god damned posting order!

It’s all very liberating and empowering, but gosh I wish James was coming with us.

It’s really a very bittersweet time for this household.

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D&M, Parenting, Uncategorized, Work

Six years to life

Almost six years ago, I met my soul mate.
I pretty much new from the moment I met him that this was it for me, this was where I was meant to be.

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It was also around this time that James signed his six year contract to the Australian Defence Force, and we began our journey as a defence couple.

Our plan was to always leave after the six years. He would support me through uni, we’d have a child or two, get married, I’d get a job and then he would leave the ADF and be a stay at home Dad.

So far, so good. But the thing is, the ADF is such a great comfort. I mean, they really have our back. Not only just James have a stable income, he also has free healthcare, dental and rental assistance. Oliver and I also get healthcare too. And you know, we like to have nice things- the kind of nice things you can only really have with two wages.

I am really proud of what we have achieved in these six years. Not only have we started our family, James has managed to support me through my degree and path the way for me to start my career. Oliver is a very stable kid, we rock this parenting gig. We might be a little quirky, and different to other parents- but we are certainly raising a very bright and happy kid. James continues to make a great impression at work and is currently the dux of his class.

Sometimes I wish I could just go back to 21 year old Cass and tell her to chill out, and that everything will be okay. 30 year old Cass will probably (hopefully) think the same of 25 year old Cass- but I guess it’s that level of stress that has helped me to achieve my goals.

What about you? Do you think a younger you would be proud of who you are today? And what about an older you?

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Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy V2.4: I miss you the most

Dear Daddy,

On Saturday when I woke up you were here, you came home! I was so happy to see you that even though it was still dark out, I decided we could get up and play.

Mum eventually woke up, and we played ALL day. It was so nice having you back, I didn’t really want to sleep that night because I knew you and Mum just wanted to spend time with me. Eventually I couldn’t stay awake, and I fell asleep.

On Sunday, you were still here! Mum slept in again and when she eventually woke up she made pancakes!! Then we got in the car and you said we were going to the playground, but we ended up going to a massive bird cage. It was so much fun, I got to feed the birds- they really liked to eat the buggies. One birdy even landed on my head, I didn’t like that too much.

After the birdies we went to see the reptiles. It was AWESOME!! I got to pat the bearded dragon and a snake. And then one lady was carrying the big python, so I helped her to carry it for a while. I told lots of people all about the reptiles and showed a little girl the turtles. I don’t think she liked them too much.

On Monday, we went and saw the balloons. They were HUGE. I was a little bit scared of the fire, because you and Mum always teach me to be careful of fire. I held onto you very tightly until I got used to it. I led you around and you went where I wanted to go. It was very nice to look at and I loved showing you around.

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Then you went away again. It made me really sad.

On Monday evening the doorbell rang and I screamed ‘Daddy’ and ran to the door. I was sure it was you. It wasn’t. I was a little confused at first, but it was Joshy!! He stayed over until bed time and we had so much fun. I think he is my best friend, I’d really like you to meet him one day Daddy. He is so good at jumping on the trampoline. Oh and he uses the toilet every time. He needed to do a poo-poo so I stayed in the bathroom with him and chatted him through it. I think it helped!

On Tuesday I went back to school. I wasn’t too sad to leave Mummy, and I did have my Daddy teddy. I was only there for like an hour and then Mummy came to pick me up. We went into Civic and into a big building. Upstairs we met two ladies, name Sharon and Terry. Sharon played lots of games with me whilst Mummy talked to Terry. Then we went into another room and Sharon and I played a game, she held up a remote that made a sound and when the sound stopped I had to put the peg in the whole. I did every single one, even the really quiet ones! Mum looked very happy with me. It was really fun. Mum and Terry talked some more and then we had to leave. I was really sad when we left because I had found a really cute koala toy that I wanted to take home. Mummy took it off me and gave it back to Sharon. I cried the whole way out, but Mum had toys waiting for me in the car so that made me happy.

Today, everything finally went back to normal. Oh I have a new favourite movie, it’s called Ferntree Gully and I watch it several times everyday. It has really cool animals in it, and lots of birdies and buggies.

Well I better go now, Mum thinks I am asleep which I’ll bet is making her really sad so I am going to let her know I am awake and ready to watch my movie again.

I love you, I can’t wait until you come home again.

Love always,

Your Oliver xx

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Dear Daddy, Parenting

Dear Daddy V2.3: We came to visit

Dear Daddy,

On Friday I got the day off school. It was so fun, I played with Dani my au pair ALL MORNING. Then Mum came home from work early, we ate some pancakes and we got in her car.

We drove for a really long time, and Panda was there too. I got a bit upset sometimes because I just wanted to run around and play, but I did get to watch movies with Mummy’s friend and it wasn’t too bad. He hadn’t seen How to Train Your Dragon before, so I explained it all to him.

When we got there, you were there. I was very tired, and very confused– but I wouldn’t let you go. I held on so tightly, and I snuggled my head into you. I missed the way you smell. You took me to bed and we slept there all night, and when we woke up Mum was there too except she stayed there and we got up and played.

Things have changed a bit with me, Daddy. Mum tries to be a bit more patient with me, which I need because I still can’t talk. I try, but my words don’t come out right. I can get very frustrated and sometime I get really angry. I’m sorry Daddy, I don’t mean to upset you and Mummy. Sometimes you just don’t understand what I mean.

In the afternoon, You, Mum, Grandma and Grandpa took Panda and I to the most amazing park. IT.WAS.HUGE. We ran around all afternoon, and I got to spend some good time with you and with my Grandparents. Then Uncle Sam came, he is the funniest person I have ever seen. He always makes me smile so wide, even since I was a little baby. He ran around with me and would lift me up over his head. It was really fun.

Mummy told me she used to go to that park when she was my age, that must have been a million years ago.

On Sunday, I knew we had to say goodbye again. I could feel it, it was the same as before. I got to drive with you to Babcias, and see Auntie Maddie for a while. But then we had to say goodbye. I didn’t cry, I know I have to be strong for Mummy. She didn’t cry either, she seemed a little bit mad- but I think that had something to do with you dropping the iPad and breaking the screen. I couldn’t even watch movies the whole way home. It was so bor-ing!

Daddy, I miss you when you’re not around but I’m okay now. I cry when Mummy leaves me at school, I think she must be so sad when I’m not there and I want her to be happy. But I’m sure she’ll get used to it. Sometimes when Mummy does something I don’t like I call your name. I like to remind her of you, I think it makes her happy. It normally does, she normally gives me a massive cuddle.

Well, I better go now I think it’s time for us to go to bed.

I love you to the moon and back. I hope I get to see you this weekend.

Your Oliver J.

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Dear Daddy, Uncategorized

Dear Daddy v2.1

On Friday we went to the zoo. You carried me, and ran with me. We’ve been spending a lot of time together over the last week. It’s really nice, but you told me you are going to marching men and won’t be home every night.
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That afternoon I helped you clean your ute. Mummy came home from work and she was crying. I surprised her by popping out the back of the tray, and she smiled for just a second before she cried some more. I wiped away her tears and patted her on the back.

I’ll take care of her Daddy.

I was scared for you to leave my sight, so I stayed with you until I fell asleep. In the morning you were still there, but then you said goodbye. You haven’t come home since.

After you left Mummy sat down and I sat on her knee. She told me that you won’t be back for some time but that her and I will be okay. I patted her on the back and said ‘no daddy’. Mummy and I have always made a good team.

I took Mummy grocery shopping on Saturday. We got all the food we love, like twenty bananas and I pick two nectarines on my own. I ate them both today. One wasn’t so nice.

This morning Mummy, Dani and I went to a big park. Dani and I danced and it rained so much and then Mummy joined us. She was COVERED in different colours. And then we all danced and she covered Dani and I in colors too. It was really fun.

Daddy, I miss you very much but Mummy tells me that what you do is for us. I know that you love Mummy and me very much and we love you.

Love always,
Your Oliver

P.s. I have picked up some chores whilst you are away, like vacuuming and feeding Panda.

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