D&M

I’m not a bohemian

Since moving to Melbourne, I’ve realised something that came to me as a bit of a shock.

I am, in fact, not bohemian.

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I tried it. I moved to a one bedroom flat, shared a room with my son, purchased a few notebooks and decided to spend all my spare time writing a book.

But the reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I like nice things, I like my own bed, I really like sleep.

So as I cleared our sub-letted flat of mould and hung all my nice clothes up to dry crinkle free in this so called spare time I realised, I want a nice house, I want to watch the news at 6PM, I want to wear a god damn puffer vest.

For the first time in my life, I don’t want to stand out. I just want to be happy, I just want to be me- and these days I think I am pretty much a subject of my society, this so-called normal.

A far cry from 16 year old me with my blue hair and my slipknot t-shirt.

I’ll still write when I can, but It won’t quite fit the image I had of myself: sitting on a balcony in Fitzroy, cigarette in one hand, pen in the other and David Bowie in the background.

But I’m okay with that, because you know what? I’m happy.

I’m really truly happy, for the first time in a long time.

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D&M

Following my dreams.

I can’t explain how happy I am, I really don’t know how to put it into to words.

That’s pretty unusual for me.

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The last five years feel almost surreal. The cities, lifestyle, the people, the loneliness.

I don’t think my issue was ever the life we lived, because I think we always had a great lifestyle. I think it was because I longed so hard to come home that I felt suspended.

Everything was temporary, and that’s no way to live. I felt like I had to suck the most out of everyday- which I know sounds wonderful- but it was actually really exhausting.

I never knew what tomorrow would bring. I had completely lost my inner sense of stability. Nothing was long term, so what did it really matter.

I tried, but that was how I felt and boy was it draining.

But now, I feel like I can relax. This is it, this is my endgame- Melbourne. Sure I have more goals I’d like to achieve in my future but my future is here.

You have no idea how great that feels.

Last week, we settled on a suburb. Oliver starts school on two years- so unless we completely hate it there it’s more than likely the suburb we’re going to, you know, live out our lives in.

For a navy wife, that’s a huge thing to say.

From all of this, my main lesson has been to follow your dreams. Just jump, it may not be what you expected- but it’s bound to be great!

Have you taken a big jump lately?

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D&M, Parenting, Work

Living my dream.

Tonight I was driving home to our new place in Elwood.

I must’ve looked like a goon, I was singing to Oliver with a massive smile on my face. I realised that I did it. I didn’t give up, although many times I wanted to, and I achieved my dream. Like, all of them. Holy heck!!!
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After 6 years, I’ve finally got my own place in Melbourne. Okay it’s only for six weeks, sure it full of someone else’s furniture, and yeah okay it’s a bit of a dive but you guys, I did it!!

After five years at uni, yes I took my time, I’ve got a job I’m really proud of. A job that I think I could do really well at and a job I will learn so much from.

But above all of that I’ve got James, Ollie and even that silly little puppy Panda. I’m actually married to my soul mate, and then we popped out my little kindred spirit. I really prefer the company of no one else more than that of my family,

This is not to say my life is perfect, but it is to say that I’ve worked my arse off and I’ve already ticked every box on my list. I really do have to pinch myself sometimes.

I’ve had moments so low that I’ve almost walked away from my husband, not him per say but the life that came with him. But I stayed, and I tried, and now he’s about to get posted to Melbourne and it’s all been worth it.

There were moments so stressful I nearly dropped uni. I was driving from Sydney to Canberra to do my exams so I had someone to babysit Oliver because James was ALWAYS at sea- can you imagine? It was exhausting. Oliver would sleep and I would study, then I would clean a little or sleep or on the very odd occasion I would relax.

But here I sit in my Melbourne apartment just five months away from having my family back together, with my beautiful child asleep in our bed (yes we’re currently sharing) and just hours away from returning to my dream job.

When was the last time you thought you could just throw it all away? I hope whatever you decided to do, you feel as fulfilled as I do today!

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D&M

Saying goodbye…

I’ve become so good at saying goodbye, that it’s actually really bad.

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I remember getting pretty drunk with a few people that I would consider my closest friends here in Canberra, and finding myself thinking ‘I could walk away and never see any of these people again and not be sad about it!’
But that fact alone made me really sad.

There are a few people who I really enjoy being around, and I suppose yeah, I will miss them. There’s one who I feel a bit heavy hearted about leaving, we’re kindred spirits- but I know they’ll visit plenty.

We leave in three days. I’m not feeling sad at all. Even the thought of leaving my husband behind doesn’t make me too sad- I think primarily due to some great news we received last week but I’m not allowed to share just yet!

I hope moving back to Melbourne means I no longer have to think about the end. Being a navy wife has always meant that everything was temporary, and that I was temporary.

In three days I will be home, and I will never have to be temporary again.

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D&M, Uncategorized

How to be a good friend.

I would always consider myself to be really good at this friendship gig. I’ve had the same besties since I was 8 years old and I’ve never found it hard to make friends.

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But here’s the thing, I actually don’t really know how to be a friend anymore. It’s been so long since I’ve been permanent that it’s either catching up with the friends back home, or trying to be the best me with my ‘new friends’ wherever I might be. What happens after that? What do I have to talk about?

It’s fucking terrifying.

I’m starting to realise that I’m pretty lonely. I adore my husband, but I’ve always been surrounded by friends. And now I panic, I talk and talk and talk and I forget to listen. Then I realise that I’m over talking and I try to fix the problem but I just make it worse. And then I think they hate me and just stop talking.

It’s a goddam disaster!!

I’m sure that a lot of this has to do with my situation, and a lot with my social anxiety. But I miss it, I miss that comfortable silence, I miss popping over to a mates place just because you were in the area. I feel so guilty for all the wonderful friendships I’ve let slip because I panic, and I feel terrified that’s it’s going to happen all over again.

And goodbyes, don’t even get me started on goodbyes. If I know I’m leaving, or you’re leaving, I just shut you out until it means nothing. But it always means something.

I am so lucky for all the wonderful people I’ve met in my life, in particular the ones who have stuck around.

So tell me, how do you be a good friend?

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D&M, Parenting, Uncategorized, Work

Six years to life

Almost six years ago, I met my soul mate.
I pretty much new from the moment I met him that this was it for me, this was where I was meant to be.

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It was also around this time that James signed his six year contract to the Australian Defence Force, and we began our journey as a defence couple.

Our plan was to always leave after the six years. He would support me through uni, we’d have a child or two, get married, I’d get a job and then he would leave the ADF and be a stay at home Dad.

So far, so good. But the thing is, the ADF is such a great comfort. I mean, they really have our back. Not only just James have a stable income, he also has free healthcare, dental and rental assistance. Oliver and I also get healthcare too. And you know, we like to have nice things- the kind of nice things you can only really have with two wages.

I am really proud of what we have achieved in these six years. Not only have we started our family, James has managed to support me through my degree and path the way for me to start my career. Oliver is a very stable kid, we rock this parenting gig. We might be a little quirky, and different to other parents- but we are certainly raising a very bright and happy kid. James continues to make a great impression at work and is currently the dux of his class.

Sometimes I wish I could just go back to 21 year old Cass and tell her to chill out, and that everything will be okay. 30 year old Cass will probably (hopefully) think the same of 25 year old Cass- but I guess it’s that level of stress that has helped me to achieve my goals.

What about you? Do you think a younger you would be proud of who you are today? And what about an older you?

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D&M, Parenting, Uncategorized

Daylight savings reminiscing.

It’s funny how certain days remain so vivid in your memory for no real reason at all.

I remember the day we turned the clocks back last year as if it were yesterday.

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April 2013

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April 2014

We had just moved to Canberra from Sydney. Our slightly wounded little family was still settling into our lives here- and the promise of being together as a family every night.

Panda was still getting used to having a back yard, peeing on grass, and just being a dog really.

Oliver was determined as ever, still on two day naps a day and just really enjoying everything that Canberra was for our family.

James got called in to do night shift that night, just a little reminder that the Navy still owned us- but we didn’t mind- we we’re land locked and they couldn’t take James away.

Oliver was exhausted by 6:15 that night, so I put him to bed. He used to wake up at 5AM (after a 3AM bot bot) so I was apprehensive. I remember tidying the toy room as I did every night and caving to the heater as I was still acclimatised to Sydney weather.

I was so determined to be this normal middle class family, and be something that we weren’t. I wanted to raise Oliver the way James and I were raised, and sure we turned out okay but we are not our parents and Oliver is not us.

It’s funny how much can change in a year.

Today, I woke up after a sleep in as I was out late last night. James was up for the weekend, visiting from his temporary home in Melbourne.

Oliver is still incredibly determined, but he listens now. He didn’t get a nap today and was in bed again by 6.15, I have no idea what time he’ll be up tomorrow but I don’t have a chip on my shoulder about this anymore.

I don’t try to be my Mum, or James’ Mum. I just be Oliver’s Mum and I do a damn good job at it.

I wonder where we’ll be this time next year. I’m glad we’re not stagnant but once James is home I hope things don’t change too much.

Where were you this time last year?

 

 

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